Gram Not Gram

Since I've been home, I've tried to visit Gram at least once a day.  I try to visit when she's awake and aware, so she knows that someone was there.  I think that she knows that it's me, but I can't be sure.  It would be nice if she knew, but if I can make her happier or just less bored, then that's good too.

My sister and cousin were talking on Christmas about how hard it is to see her.  It was really hard for me when she was confused; she gets dementia with her pain meds.  And it is still hard, but now is the time that she needs us.  She nurtured us and has taken care of all of use for decades, and now we need to take care of her.  My sister said that it's like she's not even Gram anymore.  It's true, she's not the Gram that we're used to.  She's not full of vigor; she's like a child, and needs help doing everything.  But if you sit with her, on her good days, and talk, you realize that her personality is very much still there.  She's still full of piss and vinegar; she'll still tell you what to do and be our matriarch, if she has the energy.  And when she's not manipulating you or being bossy, then she's still the sweetest person on the planet, all full of caring and self-sacrifice. 

So if it will make her time easier or make her happier, then I will help. Even if it makes it clear how feeble she is, how close to dieing she is.  It's time for her now.  But through helping her, I've gotten more time with her.  I've gotten more stories.  I've been able to be with her for those  few more  precious minutes that I will cherish.  Granted, I am on vacation and don't have kids, so it's easier for me to just sit with her.  I can choose to spend all afternoon at her bedside, just reading my book and talking to her.  Most other family members can't do that.

Will I remember her like this, instead of the younger, more active version that we had for so many years?  I don't know.  I hope that I'll remember her through all that phases that I've been with her through.  But even if this is what I'll remember, I'm choosing  that over her having  to be alone.

Holiday Exercise

I'm away from my gym for two weeks over the holiday break.  Since I was "training" for a 5k, I wanted to at least keep that up while traveling.  Especially since running is one of the easiest exercise activities to do while traveling.  The problem is that the best time to run is in the mornings, but mornings are always rough on me, and they're worse here because it's so cloudy.  And sometimes cold!

My first run here was cool, but it was sunny.  It was great to get out.  On my second run, I just couldn't seem to warm up.  I never really hit my stride, and was always sorta lagging.  I saw someone walking her dog a ways ahead of me, and it took me forever to finally catch up and pass her.  Then, when I was about to head to the steep hill that I just hike up, these two other joggers blew by me.  Granted, I was towards the end of my run, but it was still a little embarrassing.  I was also embarrassed that everyone had on fewer layers than me, even the person walking.  I was dressed for much  more serious weather than they were. 

It's been raining more, and I've been busy in the mornings lately, so I haven't had time to run much.  I've done a couple sets of push-ups, but should work more on that.  In fact, I could do squats, sit-ups, and push-ups and try for a weak "full body" workout.  It's supposed to snow for a few days, so the running might be on hold for awhile. 

May be I won't need to buy new pants after all?

Christmas Bull

This holiday season has been rough on our family for a variety of reasons.  It seems like unfortunate events, some traumatic, some just hassles, have been following us this season.  So during the dramas I was reminded of the drama of living in the country.

After locking my keys in my car, I got home to a phone message from my uncle that he's seen a bull wandering around the area.  So we should not be surprised if there's a bull in our backyard.  What?  This does not happen to me in Orange County!  My mother wondered if we had to have a bull in our backyard every Christmas.  My sister really likes traditions.

I saw no bull while doing yard work the next day (also which doesn't happen to me in the OC).  But the next day, I saw it hanging out on the outside of the fence by my uncle's cows.  It turns out that cows are very social creatures, and that the owner had butchered his two friends.  So the bull just escaped to find some companionship!  I saw it hanging outside of the fence for a couple of days.  I think that it was making eyes at one  of my uncle's cows.  It might've been a steer, but I think that it was falling in love. <3 


Sadly, the owner decided that this last bull should be butchered, too.  :(  So my poor Christmas bull was put down.  We don't even eat steak for Christmas dinner! Ah, the drama of living in the country. 

My Hero

As I watch my Gram dieing, I'm reminded of why she's my hero.

She's shown me who I want to be.  She's sweet, yet fiesty.  She has thousands of people who love her, sometimes it seems the whole county!  And then some across the country, and even in Europe and Guam!  She's made sure that she's surrounded by loving family, but also by loving friends.  We can all be that way, if we work at our friendships and relationships, and get out there to meet people.

I've also noticed ways that we're already alike. 

• She was often unconventional.  If she wanted to do it, she did. Who says ladies shouldn't ride motorcycles?  She wanted to, so she did.  Women shouldn't work?  Well, she'll just be a welder during the war, then work at the post office.  Finns don't like Russia?  Well, she'll just learn Russian while getting her GED. 
• She loved to try new things.  For her whole life, she always tried new things.  And I'm not just saying she figured out how to use a microwave or computer (or telephone or refrigerator), but she learned to fly (solo pilot flight at 65 years old), she sky-dived, she taught me yoga and racquetball well into her 80s.  
• She's stubborn.
• She loves coffee, villa, and butter.
• She likes to exercise.
• She liked school.

I can see how I'm like her in some ways, and in some ways I strive to be more like her.  Gram really is my hero. 

Nice Guys/Gals

A friend was complaining about the messages that she gets from guys on online dating sites.  She gave an example, and the guy's profile name was something like "NiceGuysFinLast".  His message, and screen name, totally reminded me of an essay that Zabba directed me to years ago: Why Nice Guys are Such Losers. 
This essay always gives me a lot to think about.  I do gravitate towards men who are compliant.  I like that about them.  But I also want them to be assertive, make decisions, have a voice.  I want them to lead.
I wonder why I don't want compliant women? But no matter what gender I date, I do want them to pamper me.  Is that different from compliant?
Another post on this topic (The Man with No Spine) adds another concern.  Lately I've felt pretty needy and clingy.  Could I be a spineless Nice Gal?  Am I nice to people to try to get something?  What if that "something" is just love, affection, a friend?  Am I passive?  I'm loud and opinionated and bossy, but when you get to truly know me, away from other people, I actually think that I'm pretty submissive.  Is that needy or manipulative? 
Wait, am I even nice to people?  May be it's just the passive part.

I don't know.  Boundaries are hard.  I wonder if I'll find a balance between my brassiness and passiveness, and another person's nurturing but decisiveness?

Misogyny

I don't really have much to add to this post.  I just wanted to save it somewhere since I'll probably want to refer people (guys?) to it in the future.  It's nice to see a guy saying the same thing as I've been saying (but not having the guys who I am talking to really understand my point).

1st 5k, sorta

Several months ago, I was pretty frustrated with my lack of weight loss.  I worked out all of the time, and ate relatively healthy (although always too much fat).  Through the motivation of The Biggest Loser and my friend Sunshine who ran a half-marathon, I decided that I had to start running.  I hate running.  I’ve always hated running.  In grade school, I would walk when everyone else would run to recess. 

So I started jogging on the treadmill at the gym.  My old personal trainer had said that I should lift for 30 minutes and do cardio for 25-35 minutes.  So I started jogging for 35 minutes.  When I started, I would jog for 5 minutes, then walk for a few, and alternate.  Now I can easily get a mile into it, sometimes a mile and a half, before I walk and take a breather.  Anyway, I realized that I was reaching 3 miles in my 35 minutes of walking and jogging.  It occurred to me that that’s what a 5k is, and that I should sign up for one.  So I did!  Sunshine was going to compete with me, but then she was too busy with school.  :(  I also started compiling a play list.  It turns out that I like show tunes, because it’s like a movie in my head.  I also like songs that express what’s going on in my life, if the beat is fast enough.   Eventually I started running on the streets every few weeks.  My first trip, I actually went for 4 miles, and was wondering why it took me so long and why I was so tired of jogging!  My time going 3 miles was slower on the streets than on the treadmill, but I was getting faster (mostly).  This isn’t much of a training schedule, but it was something.  Since I knew that I could do it, the training was just to get faster. 

So the day gets closer.  I’m still “training.”  Then I learn that headphones aren’t allowed on the course!  There’s too much bike traffic, and a narrow trail.  I start freaking out.  Remember how I hate running?  The only reason that I could keep going was my wonderful play list!  I have the Buffy musical on it!  I had all of P!nk’s albums!  I almost backed out, but then decided that I had been “training” and still wanted to go through with it.  The worst that would happen was that I would walk the whole thing.  A 3 mile hike isn’t rough, it’s just the running that I hate.  I knew that Sunshine would be waiting for me, though, and I didn’t want to take a long time. 

So the big day arrives (today!).  I brought my headphones just in case, and my phone (which also plays music, and you don’t even need headphones!).  But I didn’t need my music!  It was a more of a running hike than anything.  I later saw that I signed up for a 5k trail run, not just a 5k run.  Oy vay.  At least I hike somewhat regularly, so the hills weren’t too impossible.  They were rough, though, after having been jogging.  But since I was mostly hiking up hills or trying not to fall down hills, it was a hike with some jogging on the flat parts.  And I don’t need music to hike.  I noticed three things on my 3 mile run/hike:

• I don’t like running up hills.
• I  don’t like running down hills.
• The view was beautiful, coming down over the ocean, right before the end.  But it was near the end, so I just wanted to keep going rather than stop to admire it.

So that was my first 5k trail run.  My time wasn’t as fast as my runs, but I figure that’s okay because I was hiking.  And it was hotter than expected, unseasonably hot, in the mid-80’s.  Had I expected that, I might’ve worn shorts.  I definitely would’ve worn a tank top.  I wore a Comic-Con blood donation t-shirt.  I wanted to be diverse, to show that I’m not just a runner.  I did wear pants (and undies) that I knew wouldn’t fall down; that has been a problem for me during my “training.”  Losing weight messes up your wardrobe!  I did rank in the top 100, although I’m not sure how many competed.  Now I’ve gotta do a real running 5k, before I consider what to do next.  But next up, the midnight run on New Year’s Eve!  Actually, I might’ve signed up for the 5k, so there you go. 

Recital

I've always wanted to learn to sing.  I enjoy music, and am loud.  I've wanted to learn how to hit the right notes.  For years I put it off because I put so much time in to school, but since I finally graduated, I thought that it was time.  I signed up for a Beginning Voice at my local community college this term.

I mostly hated the class.  At first it was scary.  I had to sing, in front of the class, alone!! 

Then it was offensive.  My teacher always talked about praying, and made us sing very Christian Christmas songs for our final.  I also had to go to Walmart to get an actual tape recording. 

Our final was a recital.  It was last night.

Surprisingly, it was sorta fun!  I didn't have to be too nervous because I wasn't singing a solo.  If I took the class again, I might try to do something with a trio or something.  Finding the right song would be difficult, though.  So I didn't sing a solo, but I was front and center.  So me.  I seem to like to be the vice president of things; let me be noticed, but don't make me have full responsibility! 

I think what helped me enjoy it was that I got to dress up!  I chose not to wear my sexy Santa outfit, but I did wear the gloves and shawl over a black dress.  I wanted to wear some big black boots, but knew that they'd kill me after standing for so long.  So I wore flat black boots.  ;)  I also wore my thigh-high stripey socks; they always make me happy.  When I was all dressed, it occurred to me that this might be a good time to wear one of my corsets.  On the inside!  What a novel idea.  But it was too much of a hassle.  I also wore my super-red lipstick and mascara.  I even shaved my arm pits; it was that special of a night.  ;)

I won't be taking the class next term, but I'll think about it in the future.  Or may be a similar class at a different school.  I was disappointed in the class because I didn't really learn how to hit the right notes, but I did learn things.  And boy, I like performances. 

Pointless Anecdotes

Names are important.  With the extensive number of profiles and personalities that we have on the web, we have the opportunity to choose names that truly represent who we are.  My MySpace nickname is Lady Geek, for example.  It occurred to me that I should explain where the name of this blog came from.

It comes from my high school friends.  See, I used to tell stories.  Some were interesting and amusing, some were just long.  At some point, my friends were getting a little frustrated because they'd listen to a long and amusing story, but it would end without a conclusion.  For me, the point was sharing the experience, of telling them what had happened.  I was never terribly concerned about the point of the story, or what the listener could get out of it.  I just wanted to share my experiences and thoughts. 

We came to a compromise, I guess.  I still told my long and amusing stories, but I prefaced them with, "This is a pointless anecdote," then later, I just said, "This is a P.A."  This seemed to work.  They listened attentively, were appropriately amused, but they knew that the story wasn't really going anyway.  When they didn't expect it to lead to a point, then they weren't frustrated when it didn't get to one.  Win-win. 

I'm not sure how they felt when I realized, in the middle of the story, that I had no point.  I would interrupt the story, saying, "Oh, uh, I guess this is a P.A."  I wonder if that was frustrating or not? 

So that's where my Pointless Anecdotes blog name comes from.  Goooooo, Falcon band geeks!

It Gets Better

A friend of mine had this link from Pixar on FB.  I didn't really know what it was about, but I checked it out because she said that it was important.  As it started, I still wasn't sure what it was about, but I'm a geek and know lots of geeks, so I could already related.  Then when it started supporting gays, I loved it! <3  I was almost crying at work.  That might've been PMS, though. 

I took the rest of the hour at work (shhh!) to watch the one from Google and Facebook.  I even watched one by that Lambert guy.  This is my take.

1. The Pixar one was the best.  It was the most well-made.  There was a sort of storyline, sad and happy stories, and great support.  I liked how a somewhat senior executive started it off, then came out later.  
2. Hot people work at FB!!  OMG.  
3. That Google background has GOT to go.  This one seemed sorta rinky-dink, which is surprising coming from Google.  Especially compared to Pixar.  There weren't even that many speakers.  

I love the project, even though it was started by Dan Savage (who is not my favorite gay celebrity).

In sum, can I work at FB and date the hot men and women there?  Bi-pride!

1st

Let's see how this works out, shall we?