Gram Not Gram

Since I've been home, I've tried to visit Gram at least once a day.  I try to visit when she's awake and aware, so she knows that someone was there.  I think that she knows that it's me, but I can't be sure.  It would be nice if she knew, but if I can make her happier or just less bored, then that's good too.

My sister and cousin were talking on Christmas about how hard it is to see her.  It was really hard for me when she was confused; she gets dementia with her pain meds.  And it is still hard, but now is the time that she needs us.  She nurtured us and has taken care of all of use for decades, and now we need to take care of her.  My sister said that it's like she's not even Gram anymore.  It's true, she's not the Gram that we're used to.  She's not full of vigor; she's like a child, and needs help doing everything.  But if you sit with her, on her good days, and talk, you realize that her personality is very much still there.  She's still full of piss and vinegar; she'll still tell you what to do and be our matriarch, if she has the energy.  And when she's not manipulating you or being bossy, then she's still the sweetest person on the planet, all full of caring and self-sacrifice. 

So if it will make her time easier or make her happier, then I will help. Even if it makes it clear how feeble she is, how close to dieing she is.  It's time for her now.  But through helping her, I've gotten more time with her.  I've gotten more stories.  I've been able to be with her for those  few more  precious minutes that I will cherish.  Granted, I am on vacation and don't have kids, so it's easier for me to just sit with her.  I can choose to spend all afternoon at her bedside, just reading my book and talking to her.  Most other family members can't do that.

Will I remember her like this, instead of the younger, more active version that we had for so many years?  I don't know.  I hope that I'll remember her through all that phases that I've been with her through.  But even if this is what I'll remember, I'm choosing  that over her having  to be alone.